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By Nick Notas
Men love a good challenge. When we have to work for something, we see it as more valuable. We tend not to appreciate what’s handed to us as much.
Think about every good story ever written. It focuses on the hero’s journey. The main character must face some struggle which makes his victory that much sweeter. If there was no tension, no battle, nothing to work for — it would be…boring.
The same goes for dating. A lot of men complain that they don’t want women to play any games. They just want them to be upfront. But what we say can be different than what we respond to.
When a woman is too available or shows too much interest early on, many men become hesitant. They question why things are so easy. And they are less attracted because of it.
So on many occasions, women are forced to challenge men in order to win their affection. And you need to be ready for when that happens. School is in session.
What are tests and why do some women challenge men?
The simplest definition I can think of is…
Any action in which a woman tries to determine whether or not you’re confident in yourself and your intentions.
It’s no secret that confidence is one of the most attractive qualities in a man. So women want you to prove that you’re the real deal.
They wants to know if you’re the hero…or just another guy.
And that may threaten you. Maybe you don’t like being put on the spot. Maybe you take it as a personal attack. You think a woman is purposely trying to put you down.
What you’re missing is that much of the time when a woman tests you, it’s because she’sinterested. It’s playful flirting. Because she’s feeling attracted to you, she wants to make sure you’re really who you say you are. Women test guys they see potential in.
These tests are usually unconscious, too. It can be a natural reaction when some women feel insecure or are trying to impress you. So they project those insecurities outward as a defense mechanism.
Why it’s important to pass these tests
Women want men who are comfortable with their identity and value themselves. They don’t want good “actors”, or men who are secretly insecure and overcompensate to hide it.
When you fail a test, you’re showing a woman that she has shaken you and maybe you’re not as confident as you let on.
You’re also showing that it’s easy to get to you and you can’t roll with the punches. You’re not able to laugh at yourself or throw it back at her. Basically, you can’t keep up with a woman who’s flirting with you.
Confident men can deal with any situation that comes up. They love themselves. So in any tough moment they just have to be unashamedly themselves. There’s nothing sexier or more masculine.
What do women challenge men on?
- Physical appearance. I’m 5’8″ and always have looked much younger than my age. Even in my mid 20’s, I basically looked I was in high school. Women would tease me about this all the time.
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Masculinity. Sometimes a girl will challenge you to step up to the plate to prove how strong or courageous you are.
Maybe she says you couldn’t beat her in a game of pool if your life depended on it. Maybe you tell her that you’re going to slap her butt if she doesn’t stop teasing you. and she replies “you don’t have the guts.”
- Hobbies and interests. When you confess that you read comics or that Bojack Horseman is your favorite TV show, girls might give you shit for your “nerdy” taste.
- Views. Opposing viewpoints can cause a bit of tension, especially if those viewpoints are important to a woman. Religion and politics often trigger those feelings. She wants your reassurance that even if you have different opinions, it won’t be a big deal. That you can embrace your own while embracing hers, or at least have a mature discussion on it.
- Sexuality. Many women have been spoon-fed that indulging in their sexual desires early on is wrong. It triggers shame — especially if they’re starting to get turned on sooner than they expected with a guy. So when you start being more forward with your flirting or sexual conversation, she throws up a wall.
How to fail her tests
It all starts with your frame of mind. You can’t take these challenges personally. You can’t assume she’s trying to hurt or reject you. If you do, you’ll inevitably be responding the wrong way.
Here are the most common ways I’ve found guys fail tests:
- Feel ashamed or deny. Why are you feeling bad for who you are or what you like? Don’t lie, hide, or deny. It shows you’re not congruent with your identity. If you see yourself in a negative light, I guarantee she will, too.
- Apologize. If you’re not intentionally hurting someone or being malicious — there’s nothing to apologize for. Once you apologize, you confirm that there is something wrong about whatever it is she tested you.
- Get defensive or angry. Going on the offensive is never the answer. Especially if she WAS flirting with you, attacking her will instantly make her regret even joking with you. It will also scare her into thinking you’re a guy who’s going to flip out whenever you’re challenged. There’s nothing like insulting a woman to make her dry up.
- Justify or explain yourself seriously. Why do you need to justify something about yourself, especially to a stranger? You owe no one an explanation for who you are. By doing so, you reinforce that you’re not as sure of yourself as you let on.
- Go silent and start pouting. If you get all quiet and tense, you’re showing her you can’t handle your emotions. You’ll just shut down and get upset whenever anything difficult gets thrown your way. Real men speak up or talk through things, they don’t cross their arms and pout like a toddler.
How to pass her tests
It’s simple — assume her challenges are signs of flirting. Assume she’s doing it because deep down, she likes you.
- Own it. That could mean owning your intentions, sexuality, values, and more. You acknowledge her assessment or challenge openly without shame or hesitation. You hold your ground in a positive or playful manner.
- Make a joke of it. Having a sense of humor shows you can laugh at the situation and yourself. That you’re not taking anything personally and are letting it all roll right off you. You can be silly, use exaggeration, or even indulge in some light self-deprecation.
- Tease or return the challenge. Give her back a taste of her own medicine with a smirk. You demonstrate that you can play the game and in fact, you’re enjoying it. It’s like kids on a playground back in the day. Girls and boys generally teased the people they secretly liked.
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Call her out or express your boundaries with tact. If a woman is really starting to talk down or patronize you, you don’t have to just shut up and take it. Too many guys want to avoid any conflict and instead let it boil up inside.
You don’t need to insult or attack her, though. All you need to do is show her how she’s misjudging you, turning you off, or acting insecure.
The point is, you have to express that you’re not attracted to that kind of attitude. And if she continues, she’s going to lose you.
I never want to intentionally embarrass anyone. But sometimes it’s useful to make them someone self-aware of how inappropriate they’re acting. I’ve called out women before for being rude and immediately had them apologizing.
Examples to ace those tests
She says…
“You’re too short for me.” (Physical appearance)
Bad response: “I’m not that short – 5’8″ is still average.” (Justifying) “Well, I like my height.” (Being defensive)
Good response: “C’mon, you can do better than that!” (Teasing) “You’re right, you’re definitely too tall for me.” * (Challenging her)
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“Are you even legal here?” (Physical appearance)
Bad response: “Yeah…uh…I turned 21 like last year. I just have always looked young.” (Explain yourself seriously)
Good response: “Aww, I’m flattered you think I look so young.” (Owning it) “Nah, I actually have a really good fake ID. Shhh, don’t tell anyone.” (Sarcastic joke)
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“Aww is someone sad I beat them?” (Masculinity)
Bad response: “Whatever, I wasn’t trying anyway.” (Getting angry, being a sore loser)
Good response: “You have no idea, I’m totally going to cry myself to sleep for the next three days.” (Exaggerating) “Yeah, I’m so heartbroken. I think you need to hold me and kiss me and make me feel all better.” (Owning it)
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“I can’t believe you actually watch that show [Bojack Horseman].” (Interests)
Bad response: “I don’t watch it that much.” (Denying) “Well…it’s not like a kid’s cartoon or anything, it’s for adults.” (Justifying yourself)
Good response: “Umm, you do realize that Will Arnett is fucking hilarious, right?” (Owning your interests) “Admit it, you just don’t have the confidence to love your nerdy side.” (Teasing her)
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“Oh don’t tell me you’re a huge pothead.” (Interests)
Bad response: “I don’t smoke that much and it doesn’t affect me day-to-day.” (Justifying yourself) “Don’t judge me, I work hard for my money and can do what I want with it.” (Getting angry)
Good response: “Says the girl with a Long Island iced tea in her hand.” (Calling her out) “No, I’m just a normal sized pothead.” (Joking)
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“You’re naive to think that any sex is good sex.” (Being patronizing towards your views)
Bad response: *Stops talking and feels stupid* (Being ashamed and going silent)
Good response: “When I’m involved, it always is. *smile*” (Owning your sexuality) “Oh get off your high horse, maybe you’ve just always had terrible sex.” (Calling her out)
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You ask a girl an intimate question and she says,”Why are you asking that?” (Sexuality)
Bad response: “I’m sorry, I wasn’t trying to pry.” (Apologizing) “Oh god, that must have come off so wrong.” (Feeling ashamed)
Good response: “Because sexuality is a whole lot of fun to talk about. *smile*” (Owning your sexuality) “Obviously because I’m trying to get to know you, duh.” (Challenging her)
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“Are you trying to pick me up?” (Sexuality)
Bad response: “No, no I’m just being friendly.” (Denying)
Good response: “That all depends — is it working?” (Being silly) “I deadlift 330 — I could throw you over my shoulder like nothing.” (Joking) “Of course I am, but I want to get to know you first, too.” (Owning your intentions) “
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You flirt with her and she says, “You know I’m not sleeping with you tonight, right?”(Sexuality)
Bad response: “I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable.” (Apologizing)
Good response: “Slow down lady, I’m not that easy.” (Challenging her) “Haha, you say that now…” (Owning your intentions) “Of course, sex is always better on the second date.” (Owning your frame of mind)
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It’s time you start giving all the right answers and show women how much of a catch you are.
Class dismissed.
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