What it’s like to be a man who was born with female sex organs?
So – when I look at myself naked in the mirror, I see something beautiful. Really, just the pique of feminine beauty. I have very attractive features for a woman and I don’t take issue with my body aesthetically. It’s solid. I am one hot lady. I would totally do me.
But – when I put on my chest binder and wear guy clothes, I see myself. It doesn’t matter if I’m attractive as a guy, or if other people see me as a man (not to me, anyway – some trans guys are different), or any of that. I just want to look in the mirror and see who I am. I want to be able to recognize the person looking back at me. That just doesn’t happen when I’m in “girl mode”. Wearing a dress and make-up, I feel like I’m dressing in drag. Dressing like a man, I feel like myself.
I have to hide my breasts from myself so I don’t look down and have that cognitive dissonance between who I know I am and the body I have. Because, in my head, I don’t have breasts. I have pecs. I’m not ripped. Just a small skinny dude.
I even respond to my male name instinctually. That never happened with my female name. It always took me a while to realize that someone was talking to or about me.
Also, I’ve noticed that since I’ve come out, I’ve been more myself: more outgoing, happier, more likely to crack a joke, etc. Overall, I just have more of a tendency to say and do the things I’ve always wanted to say or do, but didn’t because I was trying so hard to hide my true self – afraid that people would see through the facade and see the man underneath. I just wanted to fit in. But now, where others might people see a freak, I feel myself. Whereas, the opposite was true before.
I don’t insist on people referring to me as a man. Because there is nothing wrong with being a woman. It’s just simply not who I am. It’s not how I’ve ever thought of myself. And I understand that the self and the body don’t match up (yet) so I don’t fault people for referring to me as a woman.
However, when my friends do refer to me with my male name and with male pronouns, it feels right to me. And I’ve always been “one of the guys”. So, it didn’t surprise them much either. They tend to agree that it makes more sense to refer to me in the masculine because of how my brain works, my mannerisms, my interests, etc.
When I came out to them, most of them just said “Finally! Great. What do you want me to call you?”
So, if my brain tells me “male” and my personality and temperament says “dude” to others, but I have a vagina, then you really only have to decide which you personally think is more important in defining me: who I am or who I looklike I am.
Honestly, I don’t care what you choose. I know who I am. And if you define people by their physicality, that’s your prerogative. But I would hope you see people as more than their bodies.
Anyway, I hope that at least somewhat helped to answer your question. I’m still very early on in my transition and trying to work a lot of this out myself.
– betkettle
What’s it like to be rich and then go broke?
One of the worst things that can happen and one of the best things that can happen.
Lost multi-millions in saved wealth, a beachfront house, and a business generating mid six figures every year after the GFC.
Like others have said it was the darkest days of my life, not only for the tangible loss, but the loss in all faith in people, government oversight, justice and the way society functions in general. My losses were due to fraudulent business people within publicly listed investment companies, and after it all washed out, billions were lost of mine and others money and only one person went to jail, which really mattered for nothing as none of us got our money back. Also in hindsight it became clear that the supposed oversight created to protect us investors was actually the secret portal for the investment managers to have carte blanche to do whatever they wanted with investors money, including personally paying themselves and leveraging to unrealistic levels to generate more fees.
The first reaction is failure and anger, then fear as you realize how hard it will be to ever get back to where you were, then fear to even survive kicks in as saving dwindle, no new prospects of work, and then debts start to add up and minor bills start falling late as you begin to try to balance the small money you have like a circus juggler. When the debt collectors start calling and showing up it brings out the worst of the worst in life and you realize that your life has absolutely no value, is really only worth the $800 for that phone bill, or the $600 car payment and the people chasing you for this money would not care if you were dead or alive as long as they get their small collection fee. You also realize how cruel the world of money is, and how the late fees and interest are 30%/40%/50% and it throws you into disaster zone so quick.
The positive thing is I developed an incredible empathy for those who struggle a feeling I would not really consider when everything was going well. Our society values the rights of a $100 creditor over the life of a citizen, and literally it feels that any person who for whatever reason cannot pay a bill, is the scum of the earth.
I learned that our society has a very, very unhealthy value and emphasis on money.
It has taken many years to try to get back on my feet and I still suffer from fear and anxiety, probably similar to a depression era survivor. I am not sure if I will ever catch up but I am trying and fighting everyday. This is something that is hard, as it is almost impossible to relax and enjoy as it seems every action and decision is life or death.
I have to work so much harder and smarter now which has helped me to acquire new skills and hone my existing skills. I realize now that despite being in a low position wealth wise, I am so much more skilled and knowledgeable than many of my peers who are getting paid salaries 1000% higher than I am making, and I hope and trust that one day this will come to serve me well, as long as I keep at it.
Probably the hardest impact of the financial loss is how it impacted loved ones, my spouse and children. To go from having it all to not, and not really understanding how it happened and not being in control of changing things was a huge burden on me, and many times led me to think life for them would be much better without me. However I also thought I can be the solution, and what a great lesson that would be to overcome adversity and to succeed against all odds. This is one of my current drivers.
The benefit (I think & hope) is that my young adult children will have a much better understanding of the value of things, and what is really important, and not get sucked into the materialistic world that is so easy to fall into when life is easy and money is around. Hard work is valuable and the results and benefits from that hard work is much more enjoyable and lasting than easy money or daddy’s money.
Another benefit is that my wife and I now work together in our business, so she has grown in ways she never would have and discovered skills and abilities that has made her feel much better about herself and equipped her to be more helpful and supportive to our children and others. We also respect each other and understand each other so much better, and also know we have weathered a storm that would destroy most marriages, and have a solid foundation to take with us for the rest of our lives.
The world is corrupt and I am pretty sure it always will be, and most people are only looking out for their own interest, but by being aware of this, and not expecting anything different gives a person more control over their life and allows them to make choices in line with what really matters the most to them.
I would not wish this loss on anyone as it is as dark as dark can be, but I also think that the lessons learned from it are ultimately worth more that the loss itself.
Would I like my money back….sure….but only with the life experiences I have gained along the way. I see friends with so much money, their pocket change could dramatically improve my situation, but they have nothing, and I know they never will, as they are so blind to so much about the reality and values of life.
What is life like in modern day Mongolia?
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Those “Mongolian BBQ” places you see all around town is pure bullshit. Our ancestors didnt eat stuff like that, and we sure as hell dont eat that except at our own “Thai” or “Chinese” restaurants. Our food (traditionally) consists of mostly meat, mostly from lamb or beer, with lamb being extremely common. We usually boil these and either eat em with veggies, or make it into nice soup. We also eat food called “Buuz”, which looks similar to a dumpling, except bigger in size. Edibles (no 420 sorry) and drinkables made of dairy is also common. Things like yoghurt, dried curds, milk tea and kumis. Kumis is a sour milk-like drink made by fermenting a mare’s milk. The people love to drink it, especially when going to the countryside. There are some cases of much of it causing people to get tipsy due to the fermentation. Good shit. But that’s the traditional stuff, an average regular Joe living in the city wouldnt eat those stuff all the time. People mostly cook food with rice, meat, veggies etc. You know the standard stuff. We also have many famous restaurants and eateries here like most other countries. KFC, Burger king, Pizza Hut are all here. However for some, these restaurants are considered a delicacy where they only go once in a while.
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While traditional sports such as wrestling, bow and arrow, horse racing are common especially during national holidays, the global sports are what the most youth is all about. Soccer and basketball are extremely popular. Baseball and hockey not so much. Whenever theres an open space somewhere, you can be sure that some kids will kick some balls there. However our national teams suck in terms of team sports. Maybe the notion that we were once fierce and arrogant horselords who dont take shit from nobody is still in our DNA and takes its toll during team plays? Who knows. Individual sports however, have brought quite a few joys to the nation. In many big events such as the Olympics, Mongolians do well every once in a while, bringing home gold, silver, bronze and all of them are celebrated proudly. I do hope I live to see the day that my country plays in a world cup, or atleast an Asian Cup or something.
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Although it is true we were quite ferocious in battles during the 13th century and upwards, we werent always the bad guys the western media makes our ancestors to be. Genghis Khan was one of the first men to tolerate religious freedom, allowing people to worship whatever they like as long as they paid tribute to the Mongol Empire. The Mongol Empire also had laws against looting, raping, murder, fraud, etc. It was a well established empire that had its own strict rules and boundaries. Our recent history however is filled with revolutions and struggles. Things such as 200 years of Manchurian dominance in Mongolia and the religious violence have really set our country back. The entire history of Mongolia is very rich, long and complex, nevertheless very interesting. However I cant write it all here nor do I know the entire history.
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Think the word “Mongolia”. What comes into your head? If the answer is people living in rural huts, riding horses, herding sheep and being nomadic, then you would be right. However, that part of Mongolia is quickly fading away. Our whole population is at only 3,081,600. That is around 1/3 of the population of New York City alone. With 1.31 million in the capital city, almost half of the country’s population (46%) lives in an urban environment. Completely toying with the notion that all Mongolians are barbarians riding horses and plowing women. The city life is quickly developing as more and more people seek refuge in the city rather than the harsh and blistering winter winds in the countryside.
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However, the capital city, Ulaanbaatar, is originally designed to withhold only over 500,000 people. Now crammed with more than a million, much of the people live in the traditional nomadic “Ger”, but instead of in the countryside, far from eachother, they are cramped up together in what we call a “Ger district”. These district are proving to be a huge problem as the air pollution tightens. The country is ranked #6 with most air pollution as of 2017. And this winter things only got worse. In fact, its gotten so worse that our youth finally decided to take action, pleading for help and organizing various activities to make the people aware of the growing problem of air pollution. People are being told to wear masks that filter out the polluted air. There have been reports that the pollution levels are extremely harmful, much so that the polluted air is equivalent for someone to smoke a few dozen packs of cigarettes. The air quality during the wintertime is in no way healthy for any child to be living in. And the Ger Districts dont help at all. You see, Ulaanbaatar is a city built in a valley between 4 big mountains surrounding it. Making the air exchange very minimum in and out of the city. Pollution made in the city stays in the city. People living in Gers need to stay warm, and to do that, they burn wood, coal, fossil fuels, or even sometimes any types of plastic. The smoke burned from all these materials go up the chimney. Now imagine for a second, hundreds, maybe even thousands of these, all cramped up in one district. Yeah.
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Since globalization is a thing, and Mongolia is part of the world (After all, we’re between two of the greatest nations right in history), things like social media, cultural diversity, global culture are very much a thing. Everyone uses social media and are obsessed by it. Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, Twitter are all extremely common and everyone wants to voice their opinion nowadays. Mongolian teenagers are affected by alot of aspects of western culture. Netflix is here, people like western tv shows, we watch Game of Thrones on HBO or in huge auditoriums near the central department store, the Avengers fangirling is real. Basically anything you could expect from most teenagers around the world, is the same in Mongolia.
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Speaking of socializing and teens. Clubbing and nightlife is becoming huge in Mongolia. Well, mostly Ulaanbaatar. Teenagers at the age of 14,15 are already going out, some sneaking out with their daddys BMWs. The clubs are affected by money, and will let just about anyone inside, though lately rules might have been getting more strict… It is considered “normal” in the teenage culture to have smoked cigarettes, drinking alcohol, having underage sex. Although I guess you could say the same about most countries.
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Most of the youth spend their time in PC gaming places, with most being ‘addicted’ to games like Dota, CS, PUBG. It is encouraged to play sports and spend time outdoors. However it is rare to find a place to do such activities. Sports recreational areas and parks are extremely rare. Very rare soccer fields, very small but trashed basketball courts, dusty and gravel filled open spaces are common. When there is a nice park or open space, it is often packed full of people trying to get away from their busy stressful lives.
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The city planning in Ulaanbaatar is very poor, although it is turning into a big city, filled with skyscrapers. It still lacks most basic things that make a decent city. These include proper transition systems, clean paved walkways, biking roads, proper lightning system, and most importantly, the traffic. The traffic is horrendous and the jams could get you stuck in one place for hours if you’re unlucky enough to be in it during peak hours. Many road constructions take place with the taxpayers money however ironically, these roads seem to break down every 6 months. There are buses going places in the city however no subtrain systems at all. Although to make up for it, the taxis are pretty damn cheap, and many people with a car usually does a taxi service for some easy bucks.
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We have the worlds largest Man and a Horse statue. Its that of Genghis Khan and its few dozen kilometres outside the capital. Its beautiful and certainly a place to visit if you’re in Mongolia.
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Speaking of places to visit: Mongolian countryside is the place to be rather than the city. Although some areas are affected by desertification. Our nomadic lifestyle treated the lands well and in turn, these lands blessed us with its beauty. Heres a few you could check out off the top of my head:
- Erdenezuu Monastery, in Kharkhorin city
- Terelj National Park, few KM outside the city. Mongolian version of grand canyon
- Gobi Desert
- Khorgiin Togoi & Terkhiin Tsagaan Nuur. A volcanic crater beside a huge lake. In Arkhangai region
- Altai Tavan Bogd Mountain range
- Khuvsgul Lake
- Bogd Khan Mountain
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Theres alot going down in Mongolia, and life is happening just the same as anywhere else. If you’re up for a wild adventure then definitely Mongolia is the place to be. However I shouldnt say to expect a 5 star western luxury when traveling through the countrysides. As most part is left untouched and wild. But hey, thats the beauty isnt it?
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