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What does it feel like when the person you love cheats on you?
You feel like a sharp object has hit you, it is running from your chest in a downward motion, it hurts like hell. You are ripped open and the pain is unbearable but there’s no blood… on the outside. In the inside, it’s your heart that has been punctured and ripped and the pressure you feel is like the blood from the hit wanting to rush out. Everything inside feels immensely tight. The pressure is building and has nowhere to go. You want to scream, you want to let it all out and scream that pain out. Less than a minute later, you find a pole and you hit your head so hard in it, you want to move the pain you feel inside on the outside, you want all that blood rushing out of your heart, that pressure to find a way out and that is from an open wound in your head. It stops you thinking. For two minutes. You calm down. Then it sets onto you even more. You run everything, absolutely everything, all the details of that day it happened, you curse that day. You curse yourself for giving that person that power. You think to yourself, it must be me, it truly must be me. First my husband while pregnant, second the only person I dated after him, after taking 2 years off the dating scene to heal from the heart ripping crime scene that happened inside yourself the first time.
You can’t bear to look at the cheater, you can’t bare to feel their hand on you. You can’t bare them breathing. Your body aches, between your legs you feel dirty you want to cross your legs so tight as if you regretted ever letting him in and share this intimacy.
You want the pain to go away, somehow, anyhow. You want the pain to go. You can’t eat. You may very well start drinking to “ease” the pain. But it’s not going. Days go by, you still have to put a brave face on for work, for your kids. They matter. They are your everything. You start thinking if it wasn’t for these true loves of your life, what would you do. You love them even more if that’s even possible. They give you the strength to keep going.
Days keep going, you look in your phone at text messages at the time(s) it happened, you get so angry, so unbearably sad. You want to scream again. And you do. In your pillow. Flash backs come, you want to rip his head out. How much you loved that person. How much you put in them. You let them in. You let them in your kids’ life. You think of so many instances. You run thousands of scenarios in your head. You “dream” at night. You can’t stop picturing them together, flirting, being intimate, in bed…. You want to scream again and again each time the rush of blood coming out of what feels like your heart.
You still can’t look at him when you see him. The day you finally do, you stare intensely into their eyes, so angrily hurt. You will never see that person the same way again. You also realise you lost ALL respect for them. You are no longer proud to have them as your partner. They are a ball of shame. You dig further and realize they have no morals, no conscience. How could you have been so BLIND. You don’t forgive yourself for a while. You’re angry at them but at you too. For letting them in. For believing everything they said. For trying to help them and support them through their personal issues. You had been trying really hard to build something solid. That you thought was anyway.
When you are finally able to let go of them, you still hurt. You no longer have the “love of your life” at your side. You may try to get back together, try to forgive…. But let me tell you before you ever think about it. You will NEVER EVER forget what they did. You will never get rid of the pictures running through your head, hunting your nights. You will be doing something fun together and a moment of silence and everything out of nowhere appears. You don’t want to break the mood but you remain silent and you hurt silently. When you FINALLY realize you can’t deal with it, because you can’t let it go and because you start arguing, because now that you don’t have respect for them you argue more, because who cares to try to be nice to not hurt their feelings. You sometimes laugh at yourself because you do! You try not to hurt them or say things… How is that fair. You have to hurt and keep it all inside otherwise you would be arguing all day long about what they did. So you hurt, silently. If you ever bring it back up more than a few times in arguments they get pissed with you. Sorry that you have to bring it back up, but darling try to deal with it 24/7 in your head, and those few times I bring it back up aloud are NOTHING. You KNOW it’s not healthy. But why on earth is it fair that you have to suffer silently, treat them like they did nothing. But because you’re a good soul, you have compassion. You feel for them being on the other shoe. You start being so sad and angry with yourself, with them. How can you even feel bad for them, what am I, where do I come from, on what planet do I live. THEY stuck their privates elsewhere, mingling, touching each other, exchanging bodily fluids and you feel sorry for hurting their feelings??? You hate them for doing it SO BAD, but somehow you put yourself in their shoe and you think it must suck to have it thrown at you again. Well guess what… TOO BAD. The truth is I will never ever even try to stay with them, rekindle a few months later or whatever else because I just no longer respect them. I need trust, respect, I need to feel lucky to be with an awesome person who share good values and who can be a good role model for my 2 father less kids.
It just doesn’t work. People, men and women 10, 15, 20 years later still go on forums online about infidelity and the hurt they still go through even though they love them and took the cheater back. I just can’t do it. I don’t believe in cheating. I’ve tried. Both times. Massive failure. I won’t do it again. The truth is I’m perfectly happy single. I have two awesome kids I love with all my hearts and soul and that is all I need. Anyone can do it. To each their own about wanting to take the cheating bag back but I just can’t think I have it in me personally.
Sorry I realise I got carried away a little, but I hope you get a sense of what it feels like to be cheated on and I wish you never have to go through it.
– Amélia Louise Leprevost
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Historically, why have Jews been so mistreated, blamed, and oppressed?
1) Jews were outsiders.
They (pretty much) originated as a nomadic people. They kept wandering around to places that other people already called home, places like Egypt and Babylon. We’ll call these non-nomadic people “landed people.” Every time Jews showed up to a new town, village, or city, everyone already there saw them as outsiders that wanted to profit from what the “hard-working” landed people had made. “The Jews wanted to take their jobs,” as the landed people saw it.
2) Jews kept to themselves and kept their own traditions, even when living inside of landed peoples’ cities.
From their beginning, people of the Jewish faith were a “devoutly insular group.” They did not typically marry “outsiders,” nor did they stay anywhere for too long, and they commonly didn’t invite any outsiders in to participate in their “Jewish games” and other fun times. This made landed people feel like the Jews thought they (the Jews) were better than them (whichever landed people were currently getting pissed off at them, be it the Egyptians, the Babylonians, etc). So, during a time when a lot of areas were becoming more ethnically diverse (from wars, political maneuvering, etc.), Jews remained mostly ethnically insular. You can find this with the first few generations of almost any immigrant population in the world. The Jews kept it going strong for about 2,500 years though.
3) Jews only had one God, whereas a lot of people had many.
People hate it when you don’t believe the dumb shit they believe.
4) Roman authorities told Christians that Jews were to blame for Jesus’ death.
After the Roman Catholic Church came to power under the Roman Emperor Constantine, they attempted to solidify power among their ruled. Their ruled being Christians (which “all” the Romans were supposed to be now). Other religions were seen as a threat to their power. Since Jesus was actually Jewish himself, these usurpers quickly needed to find a way to dissuade converts to Christianity from being sympathetic to Jewish people and their faith. “I know! Let’s write them in as the people that killed Jesus. Somehow. Even though it doesn’t really make a lot of sense.”
5) Jews could loan out money and charge interest. Christians couldn’t.
During the rise of Christianity in Rome and then throughout almost the entirety of Europe during the Middle Ages, it was forbidden for Christians to practice “usury.” Meaning, a Christian was forbidden to “loan” money to others, and then charge them interest on the loan. You know, that thing that every single bank, credit card company, and Wall Street businessperson does all the time now.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Usury
However, Jews were NOT required to obey this mandate. So, a lot of Jewish people ended up getting VERY wealthy by cornering the market on banking. Even to this day, a lot people believe there is some kind of global conspiracy that the Jews are out to steal everyone’s money.
So, there you have it. Jews were outsiders that kept to themselves that people in power used as scapegoats because they were the ancient world’s equivalent of zombies. It was ethically okay to hate them because they had only one god that they totally believed was better than all of your gods and could beat them up in a fight. And then, because of a loophole in the dominate religion’s fiscal doctrine, Jews got really wealthy while simultaneously making others in debt to them.
People fucking hate being in debt to others.
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What exactly does a Senior Staff Software Engineer do at Google?
I’m a Senior Staff Software Engineer at Google. This means that a) I have an engineering, not management, role, and b) that I’m pretty senior (in particular, the most senior engineer in my office – Warsaw).
I’m working on the Cloud Console team – the team responsible for building the UI for the Google Cloud Platform. I am a Tech Lead of an 8-person team focused on infrastructure for the Compute, Networking and Kubernetes sections of the console.
This answers what my role is, but not what do I really do. This is a somewhat complex question, because I do a lot of different things, so I’ll just give a rather long list of various things I did over the course of the last month.
- I co-organize the work of my team. Google typically plans work on a quarterly cadence, and so we spent a few days discussing what are the important things for us to focus on, and what can we achieve. I was preparing the questions, asking them, driving the conversations, mediating when doubts show up, clarifying what do individual items actually mean – both in terms of benefit, and in terms of the actual work that needs to be done.
- I spent a considerable amount of time in mostly informal conversations with team-members around design choices, both on a small scale (how do we attack a particular problem), and on a larger scale (designs that will take a quarter or a few quarters to come to fruition).
- A large part of my time is externally-facing; both towards the broader Cloud Console community, and towards the backend teams we build frontends for. I’m writing this from Seattle, where I visited mostly to talk with the backend teams, listening and understanding various changes coming up and how they affect us, as well as explaining what makes our work harder, and collaborating on designing solutions – both short-term (things that can be implemented in a month), and long-term (things that are year-long programs). Similarly, I engage on a comparable level in some work that other Cloud Console teams do.
- I effectively serve as a source of answers for our management. I do deep-dives into hairy topics, where there’s a lack of clarity what should the long-term direction be, and come out with designs. This, in terms of actually doing stuff, involves thinking, talking to people, prototyping things in code, leading others to prototype things, talking to people more, thinking, writing up documents and presentations, presenting the ideas, and ending up with answers.
- I also engage in areas outside of the Cloud Console – over the last month, I’ve spent something like 4–5 days in one of the products I’ve been working on previously, figuring out a load-testing strategy (so, again, understanding the architecture and pain points, trying to make an informed guess of what’s most likely to break, and thus what really needs to be pressured with tests, overviewing the tools to test we have, and helping choose correct ones, and talking to various product-oriented people to figure out how much load do we have to be ready for).
- I do a certain amount of community contribution. This covers interviewing, talking with people who want to go up for promotion about how to present their case well (and sometimes, unfortunately, telling them I don’t think there’s a promotion case to present), giving talks to the office I’m in, etc.
- Finally, I sometimes code. Less often than I’d like, unfortunately. The most common case when I code is when I find something in the code that I think should be fixed, and I figure it’s probably simpler to just fix it than to organize the process that would lead to fixing it.
I hope that gives a decent overview ![🙂]()
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What is a Domi?
I will not tell you my name, I will however tell you that I am an aspiring actress in Los Angeles, & I am broke. My story is not unique, most actresses I know are broke- the way I have chosen to make money on the other hand- is unique. I am a Domi. A domi is a karaoke hostess, you know, a geisha. Someone who gets PAID to sit, drink, and flirt with men. PAID A LOT OF MONEY. No, I’m not a prostitute I have never accepted money for sex, nor have I done anything physical with a customer. What I do may seem strange to you but I have convinced myself that I am just playing a role, for 2 nights a week I am not myself anymore, I am no longer the trendy Downtown LA hipster girl with a killer smile and a feisty attitude. For two nights a week I am someone else, someone dainty and sweet, someone who laughs at men’s jokes, twirls her hair, wears fake eyelashes & push up bras and doesn’t even bat an eye when a complete stranger hands me cash in exchange for my company.
No one knows I do this except for my one girl friend who is in on it with me, let’s call her Autumn. Autumn doesn’t judge, so I brought her with me on my first night and both of us were hooked. There is something so wrong about it, yet for some reason we were drawn to the seedy underworld that is Koreatown.
So let’s go back to that first night. About a week prior I had answered an ominous craigslist post seeking “karaoke hostesses” and offering an obscene amount of money. I knew that there was more to it than turning on a jukebox and singing along, NO ONE would pay that much just to hear me sing, I can assure you. I responded to the ad anyway, I am THAT broke. A woman on the other end of the phone told me to meet a man at the pickup address and have my phone fully charged & my ID on me- that a man in a minivan would pick me up at 8 pm. Um…WHAT?! She explained that it was completely safe and told me not to worry. I asked her if i could bring a friend and she said yes- so i got in touch with Autumn. Autumn had heard about this type of thing as well and she was down to try it as long as we did it together & didn’t tell a soul.
That night we got ready in my apartment, we put on skimpy black dresses, heavy eye make up and perfume and threw on our tallest heels. We were ready…or so we thought.
The man picked us up in the van, asked us if we had ever dealt with drunken customers, told us that if anyone got to touchy or gave us shit about payment to text him immediately. We were to charge $80 an hour for our company of which the man in the van would take $20, any additional tips were ours to keep. He then drove us to our first karaoke bar, we walked in and the men in the front handed us a sheet of paper with 3 room numbers on it. Myself, Autumn, and 3 other girls walked into each of these rooms and posed, the men looked us up and down like we were pieces of meat- part of me wanted to punch these misogynistic creeps in the face, but another part of me was oddly turned on- if they liked you they pointed to you and asked you to stay, if not they just waived their hand and said thank you and we left & went to the next rooms filled with men looking to pay for company. It felt literally as if we were transported to Thailand. I had so many questions, how is this legal? IS this legal? Do I have to drink with them? Can I say no if they creep me out? I didn’t get picked at the first bar & neither did Autumn- maybe these men could sense that we were nervous and had no idea what was going on. We went back to the van & I promptly asked the questions that were going through my head. The driver let me know that I am in charge- if I don’t feel comfortable staying in the room if they choose me I don’t HAVE to stay, this put my mind at ease a little. I felt in control.
For whatever reason, I didn’t get chosen by anyone that night, which meant I made no money. Autumn got picked for an hour so she made $60 (they didn’t tip her any extra). I left feeling for lack of a better word; ugly. The other girls then explained to me that I can’t let it get to me, that it’s all preference & at the end of the day we get to return to our lives, lives where these men aren’t even in our league. This made me feel a lot better, because they were right, if I saw any of these men on the street I wouldn’t even look their way.
My boyfriend still doesn’t know that I’m a Domi. He has no idea that the reason we have the greatest sex when I come home from work is because other men have been staring at me lustfully for hours, but he certainly doesn’t complain about that. One day I will tell him & hopefully he will understand.
Until then I carry on, twice a week in the Koreatown Underworld. Sipping sake with men who barely speak English. I am hooked.
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