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What is it like to have an autistic child?
My daughter is nearly 19, she is the 5th of 5 children and if she had been first there would likely have not been more. She is time intensive and energy draining. She is not adaptive. She is at the higher end of the specturm although she has some very extreme deficits as well.
This past week she told me that she hates my guts, that she never gets enough attention, that is is unreasonable to only get 5 to 6 hours of my attention and conversation a day. We could never get up and just decide to go to the zoo, because she doesn’t operate on spur of the moment. Everything has to be planned well in advance. This makes life very difficult for her, because life is full of small things like ‘this road is closed, detour’ which can result in hours long rants. On some occasions it results in violent tantrums. One time, someone was running through town shooting. It was impossible to get her away from the window and onto the floor for safety, because she had a “right” to look out the window.
When she was little, she wanted to be held ALL THE TIME though she also did not want touched. We used a baby snugli until she just wouldn’t fit any more and I used a baby backpack until she was too heavy to carry around. Diaper changes were horrible. I used to pick her up from daycare and find her still in the diaper she went in because they just wouldn’t touch her after the first couple of tries. She got kicked out of every daycare in town, until I found Early Head Start.
Naptimes? HA. Sleep schedule? Random. She has a thousand texture dislikes, but oddly, loves broccoli and cauliflower. Go figure….
So now that you think I hate my child…….here comes the good stuff.
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My daugther does extremely well at verbal communication although the words do not always mean to her, what they do to other people. She has learned to confirm the meaning by asking me what someone meant, if their response seems odd to her. She is extremely adept at finding other autistic people in a crowd and sometimes tells me that this kid or that kid in the store is not misbehaving, they are just “on the spectrum”. She thinks that sometimes, I should suggest their parents find them a better doctor, but of course, most of the time it is not socially acceptible to do so.
She has an uncanny understanding of complex factual materials. She kept talking about wanting to be a fireman so finally, I insisted she take a first aid/cpr class with me. She was homeschooled so was not accustomed to sitting in a regular classroom. She would not look the instructor or the other students in the eye, although one time she got so excited over one concept she became animated and looked at them. It was GREAT. But the coolest part is that she got most of the answers right on the final, even though she has processing deficits. The instructor, on a hunch, asked her the questions that she missed, verbally. She got them all right that way! I was surprised to find out that she knew a lot of the material as we went into the class; she had picked it up on her own time at home, for her own benefit. She was able to hold her own in a class where only one other person had not either had the class or been an EMT before. That’s impressive.
What does her future look like? We don’t really know. She was able to earn her highschool diploma through a homestudy program and has enrolled in online college. She has one or two people that she hangs out with, that accept her for who she is. There are more that she sometimes hangs with that I am pretty certain will get her in trouble, but she is legally an adult and unless I ask for guardianship, she is entitled to make her own decisons. She works about four hours a day, a few days a week. She gets short tempered if she tries to work more than that; it is a strain for her to deal with people that long. Her company found a job for her where she only deals with customers occasionally, and does not have to be with other workers when she can’t tolerate it. She got the job where one of her friends works. I was incredibly proud of her for applying and for carrying through.
Will she ever be able to live alone? That’s the big question. Because she has short term memory deficits she has a tendency to have fires because she forgets to turn the stove off or forgets you don’t put potatoes in the micro for 15 minutes. We went through five microwaves destroyed due to fire in four years. I sometimes think of her as an “absent-minded professor”. She can really surprise people when she has to deal with them, because her understanding of some subject matters is so deep that it is completely unexpected.
One thing’s for sure, every day is a new challenge, and a new discovery.
– Anonymous
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What does it feel like to freeze to death?
We were stranded out there for three hours. It was the first time I ever understood why freezing to death is sometimes described as peaceful or soothing or just like falling asleep, descriptions that had always seemed to hint at some unfathomable mind-transformation within the freezing person, some power extreme cold had to enchant the brain’s basic mechanisms of homeostasis. It didn’t feel violent, that was the thing. Even with the wind ripping past you. It was like certain parts of your body just accrued this strange hush. Like you were disappearing piece by piece. I thought I’d be warmer outside and walking around than inside Nugget, so I would sort of exaggeratedly move one limb at a time, my left arm or whatever, and while I was concentrating on my left arm my right leg would start to be erased.
More than affecting my sense perceptions, though, the cold seemed to affect the way I thought about my sense perceptions. I’d take my glove off to adjust a zipper and lose feeling in my hand almost immediately and instead of thinking Holy no I need to get my glove back on right this second I’d sort of pause and go My, how interesting that my hand feels as though it’s visibly translucent. Then my brain’s inbox would gently ding. PLEASE DON’T DIE.
– Brian Phillips
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What’s It Like to Be Anorexic?
The headache. Constant pounding, all day long, even in your dreams. If I ever needed to take my pulse, I wouldn’t have to touch my wrist. I could simply count the heartbeats in my temples.
Then there is the feeling of constant lightheadedness combined with a spacey Am I really here? feeling of disconnection. The first time I tried alcohol, it reminded me of this. Dizzy spells from time to time, but you learn to anticipate and manage them.
You are hyperaware of food. If someone unwraps a sandwich in the back of the classroom, you can smell it. If you’re in a car and get a passing glimpse of a fast-food billboard, you become instantly distracted. You know the true meaning of the termfood porn. Some anorexics become obsessed with cooking and recipes; I tried to avoid anything food-related altogether. When you’re starving, an unexpected Pizza Hut commercial can really throw you for a loop.
The mental and physical effort required to stay on track often means other problems greatly diminish in importance. Especially social problems. If your friends don’t save a seat for you at lunch, well, that’s good because you don’t need to be around them and their unimaginably decadent tuna sandwiches anyway.
You also have to maintain some mental reserves for the times you need to be sneaky. You planned to skip the family dinner and eat an apple in your room, but then your relatives dropped in with a casserole and now your presence at the table is required. As is at least trying the casserole. And you can’t just undo the damage by running stairs after the meal because tonight is choir practice or some such thing.
Just worrying about how you’re going to socially engineer the whole deal is exhausting in itself. You have to manage people and perceptions in addition to your own willpower. A useful skill, actually, but it comes at a price and at the age I was (a very young teen) it’s something that could have waited.
Being anorexic also feels very lonely. Avoiding temptation usually means avoiding other people, and after awhile, those people (especially your school friends) will move on and seem to forget about you. If you’re really lucky (insert sarcasm here), you’ll gain a reputation as a weirdo, helping repel new friends and ensure won’t even beconsidered for that spot at the lunch table.
You might also begin feeling like it is your fate to be an outcast, and even adopt the messed-up notion that it’s because you can’t enjoy what normal people take for granted—friends, family time, socializing, food.
Actually, I take that last part back. You really enjoy your food, even the sad items that make up your daily diet. Watered-down oatmeal with skim milk and saccharin? The creamiest of comfort foods! A big bowl of air-popped popcorn seasoned with garlic salt? Like I’ve been transported to Tuscany! A chicken neck? Best part of the chicken! (This is true, it’s not very hearty but the neck meat is delicious. The neck also the best option for the anorexic whose mother insists he or she eat at least one piece of chicken.)
There’s also a lot of tracking and record-keeping. That one bite of casserole goes toward your daily food allotment. Mine was 500-600 calories, and my food diaries are full of entries like “1 bite mashed potatoes,” “2 M&Ms,” “1/4 slice bread.” I’d also try to match calories ingested with calories burned, so if I had a 100-calorie breakfast, I’d schedule a 1-mile walk afterward so I could keep the ledger balance at zero.
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I ate a lot of air-popped popcorn and oatmeal per the prevailing “high fiber, low fat” diet wisdom at the time.
I was very young when I went through my anorexic phase (age 11 until about 14, hence the loopy adolescent handwriting), and so it took me a while to realize the greater implications. I do not feel my disease was spurred by an abnormal urge to be thin. Initially, I tried “going on a diet” because it seemed like a fun and teenage-y thing to do. (“You’ll have so much more energy! Your hair will be bouncy and glossy!”) I continued with it because it took my mind off my problems and yearnings by replacing them, literally, with a higher-order hunger.
I can’t speak for everyone, but people like to paint anorexics with a wide brush. “They’re victims of the fashion industry and their unrealistic expectations! Quick, hide the Barbie dolls!” As a pre-adolescent girl, sure, I was curious about beauty and fashion and all that, but I certainly wouldn’t have walked around with a constant headache for so many years if anorexia wasn’t fulfilling some other need.
How did I get out of it? Mostly, it had to do with schoolwork. Once I entered ninth grade, and grades started mattering for college, I realized I couldn’t maintain this level of dietary restriction without also restricting my academic potential. And I made a few good friends in high school who helped me come out of my shell.
I did, after a while, become a compulsive exerciser, but that’s a story for another day.
– Caroline Zelonka
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What’s it like to be a chef?
You will miss important life occasions
Birthdays; Public Holidays; Occasional Weddings; Parties; Christenings; Weekends.
Its unrealistic in this industry to assume that you’ll ever have these off. The rest of the world plays whilst you toil, weekends are almost a taboo – and this will generally eliminate most parties and birthdays as the rest of the world will want to do this onTheirweekends. it is possibly the biggest killer of potential chef careers. It can be a very lonesome and frustrating life to those who aren’t willing to make the sacrifice. Regularly I will forgo a friend’s birthday even though I had booked the time off 4 months prior to that occasion (to whom I still have to apologise to regularly) In most industries you can “pick up the workload” on another day if you are unable to work. a kitchen however is more delicate. they have exactly the right amount of staffone person missing can halt the entire functionality of a restaurant. which brings me to my next point.
There is no such thing as sick
If you are not on life support, then you are fine. Cut your finger off? put a band-aid on…or better yet cauterise it on the stove both fast and effective. you have the flu? no you don’t it’s a cold, and even if it were the flu – put a mask on and get your arse to work. In my career, closely drawing a decade now, I’ve had two sick days: both times I was in hospital. If your feet can carry you, you can work…and you will work, nay not even from obligation, but from an odd combination of fear, guilt and compassion. Fear that your family will fail without you, fear that you will return having let them down.
introduction into alcoholism and drug abuse will be very high
It’s no secret that this industry is rife with illicit substances and drunks. We are already sourced from the fringes of society, people who often fit in nowhere else. Some use recreational drugs, some use hard drugs and are completely addicted. Often you will find a waitress or chef racking up lines on a pizza tray at the end of the day before heading out to a night club, looking for escapism. Addiction is high (pardon the pun) among all people in our industry, and your ability to cope, stay away from, or fall into it – is completely up to the individual. You will see some of the highlights of human injustice, and bear witness to (and possibly be a part of) a plethora, and cocktail of drug (ranging from weed to smack) and alcohol abuse.
Relationships will be difficult
Unless your partner is understanding you will have a string of unfortunate relationships. Another common misconception when someone goes into a relationship with a chef is that we will cook for you constantly. Though we are passionate about food, generally we will be working when you want to be fed. I’m one of the only chefs in my circle of peers who still cooks “properly” at home on a regular basis; most survive on a diet composed of instant meals, take out and dregs of half eaten chip packets. One must not fail to mention that most chefs are courteous and sociable on seldom occasions generally, and they are worse post a shift; only further propelling this relationship over the proverbial waterfall..this babies going over!! Bail overboard whilst you still can!! Time however is probably the biggest killer of relationships in our industry. It is difficult for most (not all, there’s still hope kiddies) to be with someone who is consistently never there, someone who (it seems) is more dedicated to his or her profession than the potential love of his/her life. Time will always be an instigator of hardships when it comes to chefs. which progresses to the next point:
Your hours are fucked
though many people will regularly complain about an 8 hour day (inclusive of 2 to 3 breaks) or even god forbid a 10 hour day, you will savor the rare occasion you get an 8 hour shift with no break whatsoever. The average shift for a chef is around the 12 hour mark (according to a recent census) though I personally and quite regularly work more. You will stand on your feet all day, sweat, and toil. Your entire working career will be an endurance marathon for both your body and mind. cuts, burrs, burns they are all part of the process.
You’re a piece of shit
or at least the majority of your superiors will inform you of this. Where as in the real world verbal bullying is now room for a class action lawsuit, in our domain it is second nature. “You fucking little shit, what is wrong with you?” could roughly translate as “wow, you have made quite a mistake young sir, I’m amazed at how you’ve made such an error” or perhaps “what’s wrong mate? too busy thinking about sucking dicks on your days off to do your fucking job” could easily be interpreted as “excuse me, is something the matter? you seem to have lost concentration and I can see it’s affecting your work”. On occasion it gets multi-lingual “which fuckwit touched my fucking Mise en? are you fucking retarded” which of course means “someone seems to have rifled through my preparation as it is now disorganised, and now I’m in disarray.” Not to mention a lot of this toiling will be for a very minimal pay until you eventually secure a respectable position. Also unlike the majority of things in this modern-day and age you are never “given” anything in this industry – because contrary to the ribbon you get for participating in a school running carnival (coming 4th last) you, like everyone else, start at the very bottom. you must earn it, you must climb the hierarchy slowly and arduously. No rewards are given for “trying” either you do your job, or you don’t.. and get fired -simple. Peeling 100kg of potato, picking 1kg of individual thyme leaves (don’t you dare cheat and just strip the stalks, I will throw that shit back in your face) these are all jobs that will challenge your very essence to overcome the sheer boredom, inanity and pain of it, as all of the chefs before you have done. But this is the process, you will start learning, you will always be learning.
– zaneheemi
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